Patient Advised To Get Affairs In Order Starts Two New Affairs, Ends Three Others

Noted polyamorist and stage four leukemia patient Jerry “The Curl” McDaniel, acting upon advice from his oncologist, entered into sexual relationships with two women while simultaneously ending three other relationships that had “run their course”.

“Dr. Al-Raji advised me to get my affairs in order, which I know is a euphemism for ‘get ready to die’, but his words really got me thinking about the way I have been living and the need to make changes in the short time I have left”, McDaniel explained.

“A few minutes after our conversation, I literally had a flash of insight that things with Sara (Jansson), Jen (Peters), and Marcella (Handley) had grown stale and predictable, and that it wasn’t fair to them or me to drag things out when I wasn’t fully “there” for them”, continued McDaniel.

“At the same time, I want to make the most of my remaining days or weeks, and I have been flirting like a madman with Tiffani (Jones) for months, so it was time to put up or shut up. And Judy (Monaghan), oh geez Judy, I just met her on Tuesday when she was here (in the hospice) visiting her aunt. We just clicked, you know?”

The bald, frail-looking McDaniel, who has lost 40 pounds during his most recent round of chemotherapy, briefly excused himself from the group of reporters he was addressing, presumably to vomit profusely, based upon the tortured sounds that emanated from the lavatory of his room in the Peaceful Valley Hospice Care facility.

“Boy, I’m still getting used to solid food”, McDaniel said sheepishly upon returning to the impromptu press conference. “Once I can start keeping food down, I should begin to get my strength back, which will really help. Especially with Judy, she’s a total nympho.”

At press time, McDaniel had lapsed into a coma, and was surrounded by loved ones, including his mother, brother, sisters, childhood friend Dave Johnson, Jones and Monaghan, as well as long-time companions Teri Torrino, Kelly Larsen, Maria Martinez, Kim Eun-Na (Amy), Shirelle Jackson, Yingluck Chakrabongse, Peg Knowles, Indrakshi Singh, and Lisa Steinberg.

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