In a survey conducted by the American Society of Social Engineering Specialists (ASSES), pollsters found that 80% of all Americans find every aspect of consumer marketing to be “highly appealing”, while the 20% who found consumer marketing to be either “somewhat appealing”, “not appealing”, “highly unappealing” or “soul-destroying” also uniformly manifested five or more of the symptoms of schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders.
Greg Tolliver, a spokesman for ASSES, said that the landmark research confirms what those in the marketing industry have long suspected. “Look, we know we do a great job of controlling the behavior and impulses of a vast majority of these idiots, but we also know that we just can’t reach some of them, and we wanted to know why. This survey confirms, unequivocally, that these people are, literally, insane, and that what we’re doing is right on target for the non-insane.”
A broad spectrum of social scientists have criticized ASSES’s findings, questioning the survey’s methodology, the refusal of ASSES to publish their results in a peer-reviewed journal, and possible biases and conflicts of interest due to the level of funding that ASSES receive from marketing trade organizations.
When asked to comment on questions regarding the survey’s validity, Tolliver responded “I’d like to know what cell phone these so-called detractors own. If they have a phone that is three or more months old, then these people are hopelessly trapped in a world of delusions, believing that they could possibly function at even the lowest level of mainstream society with such outdated technology. Such people literally validate the survey results better than I ever could.”
Tolliver concluded his remarks by tracing a circle in the air near his head with his index finger, imitating the sound of a cuckoo clock.