A rare North American CougarMilf (Puma concolor milfonicus) was spotted in the vicinity of Cresthaven Mall, according to eyewitness Jeremy Nimken, 19, of Salem.
“Cha, I was getting out of my car when I saw this totally smokin’ babe”, Nimken explained. “It was unreal, because she was like a lady, not a chick. She was totally off the hook, and she looked right at me and smiled. I was ready to go up to her and close the deal when that skank Audrey McMurtry walked up to the lady and hugged her.
“It took me a minute to put it all together, but then I realized that the lady was Mrs. McMurtry! I hadn’t seen her since like second grade. If she’s old enough to be Audrey’s mom, she must be like 50! I mean, there’s plenty of milfs that are hot, and lots of cougars who think they’re hot, but they’re only doable if you’re drunk. But Mrs. McMurtry is a milf AND a cougar AND she’s hot! The sickest thing is that she’s hotter than Audrey, I’d totally rather do her than Audrey”.
Bystanders reported that the skittish CougarMilf and her kitten retreated to the safety of the food court when Audrey spotted Nimken and screamed, “Gross, it’s that registered sex offender”.