University Of Alabama To Shutter Struggling Academic Departments, Focus On Football

In a widely anticipated move, the University of Alabama Board of Regents announced today that the majority of the school’s troubled academic departments would be permanently closed at the end of the Spring 2013 semester, allowing the University to focus entirely on its world-class college football program.

Campus institutions such as the School of Law, founded in 1892, the College of Arts and Sciences (1909), and the College of Engineering (1909) have long been recognized as a drain on financial and cheering resources, which has led to several seasons in which the school failed to win the BCS Championship or other high-profile bowl games.

University spokesman Hoyt Henderson described the Board’s predicament as a no-win situation. “Folks ’round here, they love Alabama football almost more than life itself, but much, much more than they love books, science, cipherin’, or any of that fancy college-boy stuff. If we kept investin’ in all that there learnin’, there is a chance that we could face a season with no wins.”

The Board announced that selected academic disciplines such as the College of Communications (excluding the Information Sciences branch), the School of Physical Education, and the Kinesiology Department would be merged into a single omnibus institution called the School of Football Majors, allowing the University to retain academic eligibility in accordance with SEC bylaws.

Upon hearing the news, the other football schools of the SEC met in an emergency session and announced similar academic downsizing plans, and voted to kick Vanderbilt out of the conference.

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