A tenuous alliance of narcissists, united by principle but sharply divided on details, has demanded that AT&T rebrand the offensively named U-Verse media service to either “I-Verse” or “Me-Verse”, the group’s several hundred leaders announced today, more or less in unison, while struggling to be heard over each other.
Narcissist Tom McClellan, a member of the I-Verse camp, addressed several journalists that he had trapped in a small conference room by blocking the door with his considerable girth. “It’s bad enough that they (AT&T) stomp on my identity by callously referring to me as “U”, a stylized rendering of the second-person pronoun, but these screaming Me-Mes (advocates of the Me-Verse alternative) insist on forcing me to abandon my strict adherence to proper grammar. In toto, it is the most egregious personal attack that has ever been directed against me in human history.”
Lisa McHenry, a petite narcissist who ripped a charity 5K run/walk poster off the wall to fashion a crude megaphone, screamed above the fray, “How dare you marginalize me AT&T? For what I’m paying, I expect to be treated like I’m your only customer. I’m not some pathetic “U”, I’m ME! ME ME ME!!! And these I-Holes (I-Verse name proponents), god, I mean they’ve already got iPhones, iPads, iPods, iRobots, god knows what else, the whole thing has been stripped of all individuality. It’s not about I, it’s about ME! ME ME ME!!! iDiots!”
Shortly after the last, exhausted narcissist retreated to a spa for some pampering “me-time”, U-Verse brand manager Brad Trellis released the following statement:
AT&T values all of our loyal customers and appreciates any and all feedback that they have to offer. While we understand that the name U-Verse may not be popular among every one of our customers, we have made significant investments, both monetary and personal, in building this valuable new brand. We believe at this juncture that the costs, both financial and to our market presence, would outweigh the benefits of a total rebrand.
Most importantly, making either of these idiotic changes would cost tens of millions of dollars, do you know what that would do to my quarterly bonus? I can’t believe these ungrateful bastards aren’t thinking of me in all of this. After all, if I used either of these names from the start, then people would think I was naming it after myself and I probably would have gotten fired. I mean, obviously IT IS all about me, but even I’m not so self-absorbed that I would think I could get away with that. I was throwing those losers a bone by making it seem like they were the you in “U”, and they’re too dumb to take it.