Noted curmudgeon Earl “The Churl” Rhodes, 65, has assumed the role of mentor to troubled youth Eric Gottlieb, 17, the mentorship program Generationz announced today.
“We really hope that a man with Earl’s life experience can help Eric avoid many of the pitfalls that can lead a young person astray”, explained program director Peggy Myles. “The fact that Earl has such a long history of self-sabotage, and has presumably learned from his mistakes, leads us to believe that he can influence Eric to make better decisions in the future”.
“Also, we hope that it will make Earl less of a ‘Gloomy Gus'”, added Myles, who recently earned her Ph. D. in Psychology from the University of Phoenix.
When asked what sparked his interest in mentorship, Rhodes explained succinctly, “It was this or pick up garbage for 120 hours”.
“See, I got a DUI, and part of the sentence was community service”, Rhodes continued. “My back’s already killing me, pickin’ up a bunch of crap off the highway ain’t gonna make it no better. But the more I thought about, I decided I wanted to give something back to this stupid world that has done nothing but screw me nine ways to Sunday my whole life. I damn near puked when I saw that they spelled the name (Generationz) with a ‘z’, but hey, it was 25 degrees outside today.”
Gottlieb became involved with the program under similar circumstances. “In art class, they told us we could do whatever final project we wanted, so I drew a big pile of dismembered bodies, just like what happens when I play Genocide VI (the video game). Well that fag Mullins (art teacher Arthur) took one look at that, and the next thing I knew I was in the counselor’s office, getting grilled about why I was so unhappy. I said I was fine until I got there, but they just wouldn’t let it go. Finally, I convinced them I wasn’t gonna Columbine the school, and they let me leave.
“I was going home that day, and I saw Mullins getting in his car. The next day, I skipped second period, found his car, and slashed that asshole’s tires, but they saw me on the security cameras and busted me. They made my old man pay for the damage and I got a PBJ (Probation Before Judgement). Part of the deal is I have to come to this gay-ass center twice a week and listen to some old man bitch about how the world was always fucking him over. Like I don’t know that always happens to people who keep it real”.
At press time, Rhodes had just delivered a crash-course in Molotov-cocktail preparation and he and Gottlieb were reviewing Gottlieb’s proposal for burning down the Generationz meeting center.