Congressional Freshman Class Filled With Enthusiam, New Ideas For Obstruction

The 97 first-term members of the 113th Congress have uniformly manifested genuine enthusiasm for their new positions, and several have expressed exciting, sometimes revolutionary, new approaches for obstructing the 535-member bicameral body, and by extension the basic functionality of the entire United States government.

Congressman Doug Collins (R-Ga), elected to serve Georgia’s redrawn 9th congressional district, typifies the joy of serving his home district while simultaneously ensuring that no outside interests are satisfied. “It’s an honor to come to Washington to do the people’s business. The folks in my district believe in freedom, freedom from the tyranny of the left”, Collins explained.

“My first act after being sworn in was to hire a private security firm to follow each member of my staff, and to monitor and log who they speak to outside of the office. My Chief of Staff set up a point system, whereby they earn points for speaking to members and staff from our caucus, and they lose points if they speak to any of those demons, hell-bent on destroying America, from the other side of the aisle. Anyone who is too low (point total), or heaven forbid negative, at the end of each quarter will be fired. It’s the will of the people”.

Julia Brownley (D-CA), the newly elected representative from California’s 26th District, offered a more succinct approach. “I ran on a platform of opposing every piece of Republican legislation that comes up for a vote, regardless of content, and I intend to keep that promise.

“Furthermore, as a State Assemblywoman, there was only so much bile I could spew and insurrection I could foment, but with a national platform, look out world! You know that faux-collegiality like ‘My friends on the other side of the aisle’ and whatnot? Gone! I will preface every reference to the right with ‘The brain-damaged troglodytes wallowing in their own filth on the other side of the aisle’. It’s a new Golden Age!”

Congress watchers believe that Senator Tim Scott (R-SC), the newly appointed replacement for the retiring Jim DeMint, may have the most immediate impact, following his pronouncement that he will filibuster every piece of legislation that is not a tax cut, abortion restriction, or declaration of war.

“I am replacing a Senate legend and a man of principle, so I feel an enormous sense of responsibility to uphold the DeMint legacy”, Scott proclaimed reverently. “I hope that I can live up to his shining example of being a living impediment to democracy. My ultimate dream is that I can make the spirit of Strom Thurmond proud.”

“Although, that would probably be easier if I was white”, Scott added.

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