Seven-Time Tour De Salem Participant Admits Use Of Performance-Restricting Drugs

In an announcement that rocked the world of non-competitive cycling, seven-time Tour De Salem participant Chance Armbruster, 40, admitted that he routinely rode in the charity event under the influence of performance-restricting drugs.

Armbruster made the confession in an interview with local news personality Orla Windley after failing a random drug test at his job with UPS, where he is employed as a delivery driver. The shocking revelation came after years of denying to family and friends that he “partied”.

Armbruster revealed, “Yes Orla, I am here to admit to you and all of my supporters that I did indeed use performance-restricting drugs. I’ve been lying for all of these years for the sake of my charity work. When people start sponsoring  you at $0.10 or $0.15 per mile, it really adds up, and right or wrong, that was always the most important thing. The problem is that I hate bicycling, so I really needed to get into an altered state of consciousness to get through it.”

When asked about the specifics of his drug use, Armbruster was circumspect. “No heavy stuff, nothing addictive, no needles certainly, just a certain green plant that some people like, and a water bottle filled with beer.”

Disillusioned former supporter Chuck Henderson had harbored suspicions regarding Armbruster going back several years. “That one time when he was supposed to do the March of Dimes, and suddenly he had ‘stomach flu’, or in the 2008 Tour, when he stopped and puked at the two mile mark. Suddenly it all adds up”.

Armbruster’s sudden reversal of positions is seen as the first step in an attempt to rebuild his shattered credibility, and to get his job back after his suspension and drug treatment program are completed.

It is unclear whether he will ever be allowed to participate in the prestigious Tour again, or indeed if he is even banned from entering the event this year.

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