Resolution ‘To Be More Awesome’ Suffers Setback

Posse-leader Sean Riley’s New Year’s Resolution to be “even more awesome” than last year suffered a blow last night following a public, multi-mode display of gastric distress, including projectile vomiting and explosive diarrhea, sources close to the alpha-friend reported.

“We were hanging out at Bingey’s last night, and Sean was getting pretty drunk”, Riley entourage member Edward Yang described. “Then these girls came in and sat down nearby, and he started buying shots for everyone. They didn’t seem to be that interested in him or us, but I always defer to Sean’s expertise in such matters.”

“Anyway, he did a bunch of tequila shots, was trying to get the girls to dance or at least make eye contact with him, but eventually they left. A few minutes later, Sean staggered towards the men’s room, but threw up before he got there.”

Upon witnessing the incident, Bingey’s assistant manager Patrick Stevens ordered Riley and his associates to vacate the premises. The stricken Riley required the assistance of Yang and colleague Radovan Jankovic to get to his feet and exit the establishment.

While brushing peanut shells and other detritus from Riley’s clothes, Jankovic made the gruesome discovery that Riley had concurrently soiled himself during the regurgitation event.

“The manager was yelling at us to get Sean out of there, but he was covered with debris from rolling around on the floor, so I was trying to clean him up a little. I caught the odor of what smelled like feces, and just missed touching the wet spot on the back of his pants. I guess he lost control of his bowels, or maybe there was something wrong with the chicken fingers he had earlier”.

Riley’s group of loyal retainers managed to safely return the drunken doyen to his group house, where he reportedly slept through the night on the kitchen floor.

When reached for comment, the unwavering Riley remained bullish on the fulfillment of his resolution. “Last night’s food poisoning has no effect on my committment to awesomeness or my standing (within the clique). Just to prove it, later today I will be doing a 720 (degrees of rotation) or maybe even a 900, on something, probably a BMX bike. I owe it to these guys, I’m their role model.”


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