Executive Surprised By Radioactive Toy Fallout

Following the revelation that FunCo’s Ultimate Extreme Activity Center uses luminescent paint containing potentially toxic radium salts, FunCO CEO Larry Avery admitted that he was caught off guard by the hostile response of consumers and regulators.

“I’m shocked at the level of vitriol that has been directed at me, our Chinese manufacturing partners, and our employees, who are some of the finest employees in the world”, Avery said. “It’s not like we used lead-based paint on the thing, or it has spinning razor blades all over it.”

“We go to great lengths to ensure that we learn from history, but honestly, how were we supposed to know that radium was potentially fatal?”, Avery continued. “Listen, Marie Curie discovered radium in 1898, and she lived until 1934. They say that she died of anaplastic anemia as a consequence of her long-term exposure to radiation, but was it the radium? Or was it the uranium, or the polonium? Or was it a contaminated well? Maybe she had an X-Ray fetish? There is simply no way to know, and frankly the science isn’t in on this whole thing.”

“But the toy industry is nothing if not responsive to our customer’s concerns. Kids get impaled by lawn darts? No more lawn darts! Infants asphyxiate on tiny toy pieces? Warning labels! Children eat lead paint and turn into morons? No more lead! And, we put in chemicals to make the paint taste worse! No one ever mentions that!”

Going forward, all new Ultra Extreme Activity Centers will include prominently displayed radiation labels in accordance with NRC (Nuclear Regulatory Commission)  policies.


Existing customers can contact FunCo at 1-866-FUC-KYOU (381-5968) to order labels for $5.99, plus shipping and handling.


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