Wizened Old Crone Not Looking So Wizened At 1:45 AM

The physical appearance of Martha Kingsley, 56, a female patron at Bingey’s Bar, has become less objectionable to creepy weirdo Todd Masters, 36, throughout the course of the evening, witnesses reported.

“When they (Masters and his friends) got here around 8:30 PM, I overheard them making fun of that lady (Kingsley) when I was bringing their drinks”, waitress Amber Hansen explained. “They were saying some mean stuff, like calling her ‘grandma’ and laughing at her because she was by herself, and he (Masters) was saying, ‘I guarantee that hag will be going home alone’. Which might be true, but I couldn’t see that loser making a love connection either”.

Masters and his entourage stayed at Bingey’s until around 11:30 PM, ordering several rounds of drinks during their stay. Throughout the evening, Masters kept steering the conversation back to the topic of Kingsley, speculating on her marital status, on whether she had been stood up, and estimating her age.

“Todd seemed to be obsessed with some cougar at the bar last night”, friend Jerry Carruthers reported the next day. “I don’t know what that was all about. Finally I told him, ‘Dude, why don’t you just go talk to her and ask her these questions if you’re so interested? Maybe you’ll get laid for once’. But he was like ‘Gross dude, I can do much better than that’, so I let it go”.

Masters returned alone to Bingey’s at approximately 12:15 AM, sitting at the opposite end of bar from Kingsley, who was still situated in the same location that she had occupied throughout the evening.

“That weirdo who was here earlier came back, and he started asking me about that lady who had been sitting at the bar all night”, bartender Mike Menendez remarked. “He was asking me all these questions like ‘What’s her deal?’ and ‘Is she cool?’. I said ‘How should I know? I haven’t really talked to her, she drinks martinis and tips OK. Why don’t you just go ask her yourself?’, but he was like ‘Oh right, a little too ripe for my tastes’. Whatever”.

As last call was announced, Masters made the decision to approach Kingsley to engage in conversation to survey her interest in a possible romantic tryst. Kingsley was overheard remarking “You’re not as creepy up close as you seem from a distance”. As the bar was closing, Masters and Kingsley were seen leaving together, holding hands.

When reached for comment the next day, the two lovers independently confirmed that their counterpart was, in fact, even more wizened and creepy, respectively, than their initial impressions last night suggested.

Advertisements

Unlike the Onion, we will tolerate your feedback...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s