Citing a widening bias against males with respect to gender-specific obscenities, the men’s rights group Coalition of Concerned Knowledgeable Swains (COCKS) demanded today that new female-specific profanities be adopted, specifically proposing that the terms ‘Fatherfucker’ and ‘Cuntlicker’ be immediately added to the American English vernacular.
“For many years, and especially since the development of the Internet, there has been an explosion of male-specific disparaging terms”, explained COCKS spokesman Larry Spaulding. “For example, ‘Dickwad’, ‘Dickbag’, ‘Fucktard’, ‘Polesmoker’, ‘Cocknugget’, ‘Asspirate’, I could go on and on, but I would only be adding to the inequity of the situation we are trying to address.
“Conversely, for women the situation has been heading in the opposite direction”, Spaulding continued. “Today, there is really only the ‘big two’, otherwise known as ‘Bitch’ and ‘Cunt’, that carry any real power. And frankly, I think we can all agree that ‘Bitch’ is basically on life support. Sure, on a one-to-one, conversational level, ‘Bitch’ still has some power to incite.
“But compared to a couple of generations ago, when we had ‘Harlot’, ‘Hussy’, ‘Strumpet’, ‘Trollop’, and so on, everything was fine. But today, try using any of those terms, and you would be laughed right out-of-town.
“Our goal is to simply level the playing field and help create a more equitable society, just like women have been advocating for generations. Moreover, ‘Fatherfucker’ and ‘Cuntlicker’ would provide an aesthetic symmetry to the English language, given the popularity of their male analogues.”
While taking questions after delivering his prepared statement, Spaulding was challenged on the merits of COCKS’ approach. Dr. Heidi Burgess of the Conflict Research Consortium at the University of Colorado questioned whether COCKS’ suggestion would promote equality, or simply amplify the already heightened level of strident, vitriolic discourse present in American society.
“Oh Heidi, great question”, Spaulding exclaimed. “In fact, my ex-wife used to ask me that all of the time. The fact is, at COCKS, we’re all students, indeed stewards, of the English language, our mother tongue. Our efforts will help keep the language itself vibrant and expressive, allowing us to register our outrage against women, when appropriate, fully, colorfully, and accurately. Perhaps an example will help illustrate my point.
“Tonight, when I’m having dinner with my estranged daughters, who I haven’t seen in two years, I will likely discuss today’s presentation. I might have occasion to mention the exchange we’re having right now. Tell me, which do you think would be a more vivid, engaging description for someone who wasn’t there?”, Spaulding asked, before adopting a haughty, affected tone.
“The dreary, ‘At today’s press conference, an uppity woman challenged me about the merits of an initiative I am being paid to represent’. Compare and contrast that with the COCKS alternative”, Spaulding continued, adopting a hiphop-inspired accent, ‘Yo yo, this fatherfucking cuntlicker was getting all up in my face about my business'”
“I eagerly await your response”, Spaulding added, with a twinkle in his eye, to the speechless academic.