Fistfight Erupts Over Pest’s Status As Critter Or Varmint

Salem residents Virgil Harvey and Arthur Kleinbath came to blows when their argument over the identity of the animal that has been raiding garbage cans in their neighborhood became heated, witnesses reported.

“I heard a commotion, and I looked out the window and I saw Mr. Harvey waving his finger in Mr. Kleinbath’s face, but I couldn’t tell what they were arguing about”, neighbor Alice Meyers related. “Mr. Kleinbath slapped Mr. Harvey’s hand away, then they started pushing each other. Pretty soon, they started throwing punches and wrestling. I was worried, because they are both in their eighties”, Meyers continued.

Neighbors quickly separated the obstinate octogenarians, but not before Harvey sustained a bloody nose and Kleinbath a cut lip and what appeared to be the beginnings of a black eye. Both men sustained various scratches, torn clothes, and were generally disheveled following the altercation.

“You mo-ron, I’m a tellin’ you that’s the work of a dadburn varmint”, Harvey reportedly yelled to Kleinbath as they were led back to the homes they have occupied for 40 and 37 years respectively.

“Virgil you’re simple! I knows a critter when I sees one, and that’s a critter’s doin'”, Kleinbath retorted.

At press time, Salem Animal Control officials pronounced the mystery solved after apprehending a feral child that was caught in the act of eating from a dumptser.


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