Obese Woman Completes Grueling Thumb Workout

Morbidly obese Salem woman Debra Terwilliger, 39, concluded an exhausting thumb workout at the Salem YMCA Health Center, staff and gym members reported today.

Terwilliger, whose BMI (Body-Mass Index) is estimated to be between 40 and 45 by staff members, began her routine by standing near a treadmill and having a loud, lengthy phone conversation with someone named “Ange” (presumably short for Angela).

The conversation concluded while Terwilliger lumbered around the 1/12th mile indoor track for one lap, occupying the “Fast” lane and causing several near collisions between joggers and faster walkers as she waddled counter-clockwise, despite the numerous signs indicating that traffic was to proceed clockwise.

With her warmup completed, Terwilliger trudged on to the circuit weight training area, where she began her focused, thumb-strengthening workout by mounting the Cybex Inclined Chest Press machine. She monopolized the device for approximately ten minutes, having commenced a text message exchange with an unknown recipient.

“That huge woman who comes in about once a month was here today for at least an hour, and every time I saw her, she was sitting on a piece of equipment and texting away like her life depended on it”, personal trainer Laura Sanderson explained. “I had a client in today while she was here, but I must say she was very nice about getting up whenever I wanted my client to use the machine she was doing her texting from”, Sanderson conceded.

Terwilliger, who was sweating profusely after twenty minutes of continuous texting, texted from nearly every piece of Cybex equipment available, all of which could have provided a workout that exercised her upper body, legs, and core, had she used them in the manner with which they were designed.

In order to update her Facebook status and announce her workout via Twitter, Terwilliger laid down on an inclined sit-up bench to alert the world of her accomplishments.

“I went to do some crunches after this fat chick finally got off the bench, but it was covered in sweat, and I think she farted right before she left”, reported gym member Josh Swedlin. “I had to get a separate towel and wipe it down, but at least the smell was mostly gone by then.”

After completing her communications tasks, Terwilliger left the workout area, changed clothes in the locker room, and purchased then consumed a 32-ounce bottle of Gatorade that officially pushed her over the pre-diabetic cliff into full-blown Type 2 Diabetes.

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