Man Looking Forward To Long Weekend, Maintenance Coma

Amidst the current, grueling winter stretch of holiday-free weeks, Salem man Jim Petry, 36, is relishing the thought of the upcoming, unpaid three-day weekend he will celebrate with a medically-induced coma.

“Man, I really need this”, reported the part-time customer service representative at HermCo Bushings, referring to the 48-hour period of unconsciousness he will begin Thursday evening at the Lost Weekend Coma Center on Fairhaven Avenue.

“It sucks that we don’t get paid for (Good) Friday. I mean Hermler (boss Ferg) is supposed to be so religious, you think he would make it a paid holiday, instead of just closing the place. Jeez, I only get 26 hours this week (instead of his customary 34 hours, which makes him ineligible for health insurance benefits), but I guess I shouldn’t complain. At least I’m gonna get my coma on”, Petry remarked, trying to muster enthusiasm.

“The timing is perfect. Janet (ex-wife) is taking the kids to her parents, so I don’t have them this weekend, so it’s ‘ME-time’. I hate to spend $800, but really it’s the most bang for the buck. There is no other form of escapism that takes me away from my hopeless existence so completely, believe me I’ve tried them all”, explained the beaten, non-suicidal man.

“The folks at Lost Weekend really take good care of you. I used to go to Flatline over on Franklin, but last time I was there they forgot to turn me and my catheter came out, so I was a mess when I got out of there”, Petry recalled.

“I only need two more punches on my Super Sleeper Club Card and I get a free 24-hour Mini-Coma”, Petry added.

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