Over twenty people were injured this evening, with several in critical condition, at NRA Headquarters in suburban Washington when NRA President David Keene detected and attempted to repel an invasion by Spic-and-Span Janitorial Services’ elite Cleaning Team 6, authorities revealed moments ago.
At a hastily assembled press conference, Fairfax County Police spokesman Lt. Charles Peterson briefed reporters on the rapidly evolving story.
“At approximately 1920 this evening, a mass email was sent by a member of the NRA senior leadership, advising employees that a band of Mexican ‘narco-terrorists’ had breached the compound’s perimeter, and was establishing an operating base near the building’s loading dock and physical plant entrance”, Peterson explained.
“The email ordered all staff members to prepare to storm the terrorist command center at exactly 1930. They were instructed to take their personal sidearms off safety, retrieve and load their desk rifles, and to secure the nearest emergency and/or decorative weapon(s) in preparation for the precision assault.
“We estimate that approximately fifteen NRA employees from various parts of the building converged on the area at the appointed time and began opening fire, more or less in unison. By that time, the group identified as the invaders had dispersed to their assigned work areas, so the majority of the casualties are NRA employees, and their injuries appear to result from, for lack of a better term, friendly fire”, Peterson continued. “Our initial estimate is that roughly 2000 rounds of ammunition were discharged over a three-minute period, before all of the shooters either ran out of ammunition or were too badly injured to continue firing.
“At 1931, we began receiving 911 calls from the facility reporting gunfire. Our Special Operations team converged on the campus, and by 1950 had secured the compound. The most severely injured have been transported to local hospitals, and others have been treated on the scene by paramedics. The incident remains under investigation and I will not be taking questions at this time”, Peterson said, concluding his remarks.
A shaken Jorge Gutiérrez, shift supervisor for the regrettably named Spic-and-Span, described the ordeal. “I was just giving my team their jobs, and I see Mr. David walking down the hallway. I wave to him, then he jump on the floor and he crawl like a baby into Conference Room Colt. I went to see if he is OK, but I could not find him.
“I was doing the time sheets, then Marta (Linares) bring the vacuum cleaner and say it don’t work. So I check it out, the next thing I know bullets were flying, it remind me of Medellin when I was a kid. We hide in the boiler room until we hear the police. All my people are OK, thank God”, Gutiérrez said, making the sign of the cross.
Sources, speaking under condition of anonymity, reported that automaton Wayne LaPierre, NRA CEO and Executive Vice-President and very much the public “face” of the organization, was irreparably damaged during the firestorm, but all humans were expected to survive.