In recognition of the seemingly unstoppable momentum surrounding gay marriage, the conservative Christian umbrella group Family Unity Council for Keeping Everybody Restrained today announced support for the policy, but reiterated its unwavering resistance to gay divorce.
FUCKER spokesman Jim Queener, a disciple of Rev. Ted Haggard, summarized the group’s new position. “Our organization is, first and foremost, an advocate of the family unit, even when its format is an utter abomination in the eyes of our Lord. We see the writing on the wall of what is coming. Upon further consideration, we now realize how well gay marriage fits in with our mission, namely keeping everyone bound to their spousal relationship, no matter how dysfunctional or destructive that relationship may be”, Queener explained.
“These degenerate sodomites have been so focused on pursuing gay marriage that they have stepped right in our trap, as it were”, Queener continued. “You might say, we’ve got them where we want them…uh, let me rephrase that. Just to be clear, I’m not gay. I’ve never once fantasized about multiple, anonymous couplings with muscular, oiled men of various races and ages, in dark alleys, public restrooms, or seedy hotel rooms.”
After pausing for a moment to wipe his brow, Queener resumed his presentation. “Once we get them locked into marriage, then at least we can focus on preventing them from committing the worst sin in human history, divorce.
“Nothing, not gay marriage, not gay pornography, not gay sex, not even gay group sex, is more harmful to families than divorce, even when the relationship stops working and there are deleterious side-effects on all parties due to palpable, unceasing rancor. Not that we wish that on anyone, not even the most deviant members of society.
“At least, in the event that their (a gay couple’s) relationship goes bad, their earthly suffering will be good practice for the eternal torment they will endure when the Good Lord sentences them to the everlasting fires of Hell”, Queener added, before hastily departing the lectern to pursue a striking young man he observed while delivering his performance.