Easter Beaver Brings Joy To Children, Flash Floods To Cresthaven Estates

Beloved children’s hero and homeowner’s scourge the Easter Beaver (Castor Canadensis Pascha) delivered brightly-colored sugary treats to Salem’s children overnight, and caused numerous flash floods in the Cresthaven Estates neighborhood after erecting several strategically located dams along the Salem River and its tributaries, authorities reported this evening.

The creature, as well as its ancestors, have delivered carbohydrate-based bliss to generations of Salem children, while concurrently causing millions of dollars in damage to residential and commercial properties through the concomitant construction of damaging logjams throughout the watershed.

The recent heavy rains that have plagued the area, which totaled 3.2 inches at Salem International Airport over the last 48 hours, have only exacerbated the problem, according to Salem police chief Ed Montague.

“Some years, the [Easter] beaver does his thing but the weather is dry, and homeowners find the dams and destroy them, no harm no foul. But this year, I guess you could say it was a perfect storm, in that it coincided with Easter Sunday. For some reason, it seems like the beaver really had it in for the folks on Spring Oak Court.”

“It’s the circle of life I suppose”, Montague added pointlessly and inaccurately.

Cresthaven Estates Phase II resident Josh Sprewell’s home was particularly hard-hit by the rapidly rising flood waters, with at least 6 inches of standing water in his partially finished lower level. “I don’t know what’s wrong with my sump pump, I mean it was fine like five years ago when I tested it. I don’t see how an electrical device, sitting unperturbed in an exceptionally moist environment, could just suddenly stop working, almost overnight, like that.

“What’s worse, I was just getting ready to shoot that bastard [the Easter Beaver] last night when I saw him while I was outside having a smoke, but that little spaz Spencer [stepson] woke up and asked what I was doing. I knew he would be up all night freaking out if I shot the gun, so oh well, what’s a few thousand dollars worth of damage?” Sprewell asked sarcastically.

At press time, the Easter Beaver was reportedly sleeping peacefully in his magnificent lodge, after gorging on a pile of mouthwatering cottonwood and birch twigs, decorated with a festive garnish of pondweed.


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