Obama Clarifies Remarks About California Attorney General

In the wake of criticism following President Obama’s remarks characterizing California Attorney General Kamala Harris as ‘the best-looking Attorney General’ in the country, the President took a few minutes today to clarify his comments.

In response to the assertion that he was objectifying the Attorney General, and by extension, all women, the President said “Ms. Harris is a first-rate attorney who has risen to her position solely on the basis of her professional merits. Her credentials and accomplishments stand on their own. I wasn’t objectifying her. I simply made an off-the cuff remark, expressing my personal opinion about her attractiveness relative to the other state Attorneys General.”

Obama continued on, employing his professorial, rhetorical approach that is often cited simultaneously as a strength and weakness. “I suppose, in a strict grammatical sense, that people are objects. So I suppose in that specific, conceptual context, it could be argued that by making any descriptive statement of any human being, that the speaker is objectifying the person being described. Once again, let me clarify that it was not my intent to be anything other than complimentary with respect to Ms. Harris.

“Indeed, as I have gotten to know Ms. Harris professionally through our work in the Democratic party, it is obvious to me that she is a remarkable individual who deserves every accolade that one could plausibly offer on her behalf. With her multiracial and multicultural background, much like my own, she and I share a unique perspective and set of experiences that few elected officials in our country can truly know”, the President explained.

After pausing thoughtfully, the President resumed. “Frankly, she gets me, I think. Now, let me assert for the record, I am a happily married man, with an almost idyllic family life, even in the fishbowl of the White House. If, God forbid, something happened to Michelle, I think that Ms. Harris would be the type of woman who I would, eventually, after a LONG (emphasis added) period of mourning, hope to be able to meet and see socially. And who knows, if the chemistry was right, and our respective careers allowed, perhaps develop an intimate relationship.

“I don’t know her feelings about family, but based on her tough but fair stance on crime, plus an unceasing commitment to social justice, I know her to be a firm yet compassionate, giving person. I wouldn’t want to put words in her mouth or make unwarranted assumptions, but I’m very confident that she would make an excellent stepmother and role model to a couple of great young women.”

The President concluded his remarks by summarizing, “Once again, I was not objectifying Ms. Harris. She is a dedicated public servant, and the State of California is fortunate to be represented by such an outstanding Attorney General.”

UPDATE 1:

At press time, the President was reportedly being examined by the presidential physician after being assaulted in the White House residence by an unknown, vegetable-wielding assailant.

UPDATE 2:

Spokesperson Jay Carney announced that the President was not injured in the mystery attack, and would be spending the night in the Oval Office to catch up on some paperwork.

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