The median level of insipid prattle that characterizes the “cube-farm” work environment of local synergy firm Synerco was overwhelmed by the visit of vociferous Field Synergy Technician Keith Morton to the “mothership”, witnesses reported today.
“There’s always someone making pointless, non-productive noise here, but I couldn’t get anything done this afternoon because the ‘Miami Sound Machine’ (Florida native Morton) graced us with his presence”, reported accounts receivable specialist Lisa Donohue.
“He came in and sat in one of the empty cubes, and immediately started making phone calls, all using his ‘indoor’ voice, which is much louder than normal people’s ‘outdoor’ voice. I swear he only comes into the office to complain about petty grievances or conduct routine personal business, like changing his cable TV plan.
“I am thrilled to know that he will now be getting Cinemax for $6.99 per month for the next six months”, Donohue added sarcastically.
“Normally, when the ‘McLaughlin Group’ (a cadre of coworkers who frequently engage in verbose, ill-informed discussions of current events) get going about their latest trivial outrage, I can just put on my noise cancelling headphones and mostly block them out”, explained software engineer Royce Bartholomew. “But when that imbecile Keith comes in, there’s no blocking him out. I was trying to troubleshoot a possible race condition in some of our legacy, multi-threaded code, but it was just hopeless.
“He apparently was very interested in (Keith) Cuddington’s thoughts on the recent NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship game. But instead of walking two rows over to his cube, he just started broadcasting ‘Cuddy, how about my Cardinals? Michigan sucks, you know they do. Cuddy? Cuddy? Stand up for yourself, you pussy’. Apparently he wasn’t aware that he (Cuddington) was on vacation this week”, Bartholomew continued.
While coworkers dread Morton’s cacophonous, if infrequent, appearances, they were uniformly grateful that the argumentative, defensive, profoundly insecure and over-compensating man no longer worked in the office on a daily basis.
“I don’t miss being told that my macro is stupid or that Hondas are for idiots”, related Katie Daniels, who sat next to Morton when he worked at Synerco headquarters. “I can’t believe that he is good with customers, and he is such a loudmouth blowhard, I don’t understand why he was not fired long ago”, Daniels questioned.
At press time, Morton and his bombastic supervisor Kathy Curtis had just entered the 20th booming minute of their discussion of the antics of Curtis’ beloved Golden Retriever, Poncho.