“Death” Rattle Deemed Inappropriate Baby Shower Gift

The Offending Toy

The Offending Toy

Salem woman Kym Presley was excoriated by fellow baby shower attendees following the presentation of a so-called “Death” rattle as a gift, witnesses reported.

The event, held in honor of Presley’s sister Trina Presley-Moretti, was characterized as a “moderately enjoyable” affair before entering the gift-opening phase. It quickly degenerated into a tear-filled shouting match, in which long-standing grievances and simmering tensions erupted before the stunned and visibly uncomfortable guests.

Presley, 19, an art student at Salem Community College and self-proclaimed “Goth girl”, claimed that her sister was “a drama queen, as usual”, and had been “a total bitch princess” since she announced her pregnancy six months ago.

“Why the nerve of that girl”, complained Aunt Margaret. “She’s always been jealous of Trina, ever since they were children. When I saw that horrible thing, my heart just sank. Trina’s so sensitive about her weight gain, and that Ron (husband) has been no help whatsoever.”

“Well I never”, Aunt Margaret added.

Presley defended her choice of gifts, claiming that her hand-crafted piece was a bold artistic statement that was “way more meaningful than a box of diapers”.

“Death is a part of life. It’s called duality, look it up”, Presley explained. “The bead receptacle, shaped like a globe, represents the world, a world marked by death. It also represents her uterus, the source of life. The beads are the baby or babies inside of her, which eventually will burst free of their protective shell. Trina has never understood me or art, so of course she takes it as some sort of personal attack.”

Following the maelstrom of controversy, Presley admitted that she was reconsidering her plan to purchase a Hallmark ‘Satan and His Little Minions’ figurine set for Grandma Molly for Christmas.


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