“I Wholeheartedly Endorse Being Struck By Lightning” Reports Man Recently Struck By Lightning

In the wake of an unprecedented run of good luck following a recent near-death experience, Salem man Eric Carter is now recommending to everyone he knows that they pursue being struck by lightning.

Carter, 24, who was struck by lightning last week while working as a furniture mover, has experienced an almost miraculous reversal of fortune, financially, professionally, and socially, in the aftermath of the atmospheric phenomenon that occurs roughly 40-50 times per second worldwide. Based on the apparent cause-and-effect relationship, Carter has become an advocate for pursuing what he refers to as “luckning”.

“I was sitting at home the day after (the incident), and out of the blue I got a call from some lady at a company called HermCo Bushings”, Carter explained. “She said the owner of the company, Mr. Fergler, read about my story on The Phonyon and invited me in for a job interview. I went in, and I didn’t hardly have to say a word, and he offered me a job as a bushing analyst. He said that I was blessed by God or something, so he just hired me”, Carter continued.

Carter’s serendipitous streak continued later that day when he won $10,000 in the bi-weekly PowerSphere lottery drawing. That evening, he had consensual, no-strings-attached sex with “Hot” Jessica (Franklin), a bartender at Bingey’s, where Carter worked part-time until quitting last Saturday. Franklin, not to be confused with “Ugly” Jessica (Morton), reportedly mustered the courage to express her latent, unrealized attraction to the suddenly popular Carter.

“I was seriously in a rut until the lightning strike, but it really jump-started my life for me. No pun intended”, Carter added. “There is no other possible explanation. They say that good things happen in threes, but just yesterday Grammy awoke from her coma, and I stopped a runaway baby stroller heading for a busy intersection. Oh, and I found a $20 bill an hour ago.

“Based upon all of these events, and the unlikeliness that it’s just random chance, I’d be an idiot if I didn’t urge my friends and family to drink from the refreshing fountain of ‘luckning’. And that includes you guys in the media and your readers”, Carter invited.

At press time, Carter’s lifeless corpse lay on the sixth fairway of Salem Country Club, a partially melted 25-foot steel rod nearby.


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