Salem University’s Dick Bupkis Not Picked In NFL Draft

In an outcome that was not entirely unexpected, Salem University’s legendary middle linebacker Dick Bupkis was not selected during this week’s 2013 NFL Draft.

“I knew it was possible that I might not be drafted”, Bupkis explained, “Especially after I wasn’t invited, or even allowed to attend, any of the post-season ‘Senior’ games or pre-draft combines or workouts. I put some of my game and practice footage on YouTube, but I guess that wasn’t enough.”

“Achieving success in the NFL as an undrafted free agent will make it all that much sweeter”, Bupkis added optimistically.

Bupkis, Salem’s career leader in tackles (65), interceptions (3), and fumble recoveries (2), led the Jellyfish to their 14th consecutive unvictorious Division III season, holding the opposition to under 800 total points for the first time since 2000.

At a sturdy 5’8″ and 175 pounds, Bupkis would likely need to change positions at the professional level. Scouts say that his size and physical skillset make him best-suited to be a placekicker, punter, or possibly a practice squad holder for placekicks. Those familiar with his body of work believe his “intangibles” will help differentiate Bupkis from the thousands of more physically-gifted NFL hopefuls.

“He’s not the biggest, strongest, fastest, smartest, handsomest, angriest, or friendliest player out there, but he has more heart than every FBS player combined. I guarantee that!”, exclaimed Salem coach Joe Handley enthusiastically.

Despite his success at Salem, experts think Bupkis is a longshot to be invited to an NFL training camp, let alone make a regular season roster.

He was not included on ESPN Draft Analyst Mel Kiper Jr.’s “Big Board”, a comprehensive ranking of virtually every draft-eligible college player. This year’s list included pop superstar Taylor Swift (#2712) and former Clinton Labor Secretary Robert Reich (#3177), despite the fact that neither played collegiate football at any level last season.

In the face of the astronomical odds against his star player, Coach Handley offered the following message to all 32 NFL teams: “You’ll get Bupkis and you’ll like it.”

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