High Fructose Porn Syrup Causes Epidemic Of Type II Diabetes In San Fernando Valley

A spike in the occurrence of Type II diabetes, which experts attribute to the widespread consumption of high fructose porn syrup, has rocked Los Angeles’ San Fernando Valley, the source of an estimated 90% of domestically produced pornography.

The product, sold under the brand name FruGlide, is produced by industrial agriculture giant Archer Daniels Midland. Unlike traditional oil-based personal lubricants, FruGlide, also known in the industry as “Screw-Goo”, offers a flat, non-reflective sheen, constant viscosity over the entire range of temperatures at which adult films are produced, a 20% lower coefficient of friction, and a variety of pleasing, though ultra-high calorie, flavors.

The caloric density of the substance, combined with the volume that is ingested by actors during the production of a typical scene, can cause irreversible bodily harm. It can overpower and destroy the insulin-producing capabilities of the pancreas within a matter of weeks, even before the typical weight gain associated with adult-onset diabetes can occur, according to Dr. Erwin Samalanta of Cedars-Sinai Medical Center.

“This compound, which contains approximately 500 calories per tablespoon, is easily fatal if it is ingested at a sufficient dosage”, Samalanta explained. “Fortunately, we have not seen many fatalities, but we have seen thousands of cases of diabetic shock in the eighteen months since it came to market. Anecdotal reports suggest that a principal actor in a group sex scene may ingest up to a quart of FruGlide during a shooting, which translates to about 32000 calories.”

“Thankfully, my daughter is well-adjusted, chubby and plain”, Samalanta added.

“I really liked the wintergreen flavor, and the butter pecan wasn’t bad”, claimed actress Ashli Jade, 19. “I came out here to be a star, but I was having trouble getting TV or Hollywood movie roles. Zeke, the executive producer at Maxxx Studios, told me a lot of girls got their start there, but they just didn’t talk about it.

“And I only did about 100 movies, but when I was shooting More Teen MILFs 37, I guess I blacked out. I woke up in the hospital with this pump thingy”, she said, indicating the insulin pump that she will require for the rest of her life.

“That stuff (FruGlide) really messed my insides up. Way worse than my parents did”, she reflected.

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