Salem man Don Brawn suffered an involuntary, comprehensive identity change following a prodigious vowel movement earlier today, the man reported to his perplexed coworkers, friends, family and anyone else who would listen.
Brawn, 7 (hours), was able to pinpoint the approximate time of the metamorphosis. He claimed that around 9:15 a.m., after leaving his cubicle at HermCo Bushings to get a cup of coffee, he briefly felt “light-headed”, but that the sensation quickly vanished.
Upon returning to his work area, he noted that his desk name plate, security badge, driver’s license, and all other identifying documentation indicated that his name was Don Brawn, not Dan Brown, as it had been for the past 37 years, four months and 17 days.
“I’m not quite sure what happened”, the confused man reported. “At first, I thought my coworkers were playing an elaborate practical joke on me. I laughed good-naturedly, ‘Good one guys’, but they just stared blankly. I said ‘You guys must have been planning this for weeks’, and Kenny, sorry apparently its Elmer now, said ‘What in the hell are you talking about, Donny-Boy?’. I pointed out all of the things that were wrong, but they were just getting more and more confused.”
“As was I”, Brawn added.
Brawn’s predicament grew more confounding and surreal when he received a phone call from his long-term companion Robin. The caller ID indicated the same phone number, but the speaker on the other end of the line was not a flamboyant gay man, but instead was a shy, soft-spoken woman, to whom Brawn had apparently been married for twelve years, the union having produced three children.
“When I talked to Robin, that’s when I knew something inexplicably strange had occurred. I don’t know what it was, but it was certainly beyond the skill level of my coworkers. I suppose some sort of well-funded, I don’t know… company, government agency… could implement this incredible ruse, but the question is why me?”, Brawn pondered.
“It’s just so bizarre, I know these people, but their names are different. Or the name is right, but it’s a totally different person. I try to explain to them what I’m experiencing, but they keep saying stuff like ‘Oh Don, your such a kidder. You with that dry sense of humor, keeping a straight face, you’re really committed to the bit’. My boss, Sheila, who this morning was a temp named Sandi whose last day was supposed to be today, thought I was sick and told me to go home for the day.”
Brawn, concerned that people were beginning to think that he was suffering some sort of mental breakdown or possible physiological condition like a stroke, decided to leave his workplace and attempt to locate the unfamiliar address on his driver’s license, where he and his previously unknown family apparently lives.
“I had to walk around the parking lot hitting the panic button on the key fob to find my car, which is now a Ford Edge instead of a Subaru Impreza”, Brawn explained. “I still can’t believe or understand what has happened, but maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and it will all make sense.”
As he prepared to leave the HermCo campus, Brawn was obviously under some duress due to his existential crisis, but seemed fairly composed, given his bizarre circumstances.
“One thing I noticed when I went to the bathroom is that I now have a gargantuan penis. I was all right before, but now, let’s just say I’m looking forward to trying that thing out”, Brawn remarked with cautious optimism.