Salem man Charlie McElroy voiced a previously undisclosed level of contempt for both his professional associates and his non-immediate family, in an announcement made late last Saturday evening.
The unusually candid statement, which was allegedly prompted by McElroy’s expectation of winning the recent $600 million PowerSphere Lottery drawing, targeted colleagues at local synergy firm Synerco and relatives from both sides of his family with particularly strident levels of enmity.
“I just want to state, for the record, that the following comments do not apply to my parents, or my sister Kelly”, McElroy began. “We’ve had our differences in the past, but it’s fine. OK. I can’t stand anyone at Synerco, with the exception of Jill (Montgomery) in accounting, and Chuck (Harding) the Janitor, you guys are cool.
“The rest of you just make me seethe with a white-hot hatred every time you open your big, stupid, idiotic mouths and some sort of loud, uninformed, inane gibberish drools out.”
“Arrgh”, he added
“In particular, I would like to single out Keith Morton for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Being a Colossal Prick. He knows why”, McElroy remarked cryptically.
McElroy, 34, who had reportedly consumed approximately 8-10 drinks in the hours leading up to his presentation, continued to upbraid his colleagues while gently segueing into a wider diatribe that incorporated members of his extended family.
“Every day at work is like Christmas or Thanksgiving, and heaven knows I look forward to those. In both cases, I am trapped indoors for hours with people who I am forced to interact with, but would never, in a million years, choose to do so voluntarily.
“My cousin Earl is OK, but the rest of you”, McElroy continued. “Uncle Roy, you closet case, you make Marcus Bachman look like the Marlboro Man. Just let your freak flag fly. And (cousin) Steve, for the love of all that’s holy, could you please ever stop talking about the latest Obama outrage? I get it, you don’t like him. He’s not my favorite either, but jeez, give it a rest.
“Oh, and Aunt Ruth, some people don’t want to be married. It’s not some sort of deviant sin. If Ted is ‘God’s Match’ for you, then you must have committed some pretty unspeakable acts during miserable, judgmental life.”
At press time, McElroy was putting the finishing touches on the reminder email blast touting his latest “Help Charlie Move” party, which would reportedly feature pizza and Royal Crown Cola.