Bovine Beauty Remains Silent On Enhancement Allegations
The scandal surrounding accusations of surgical augmentation by local cow Jessica Martin continues to captivate and divide the citizens of Salem, numerous sources reported today.
Martin, 5, a Jersey cow who lives at Sunnyvale Farm outside of Salem, has been dogged by controversy regarding her unusually voluptuous physique in the aftermath of her recent, provocative appearance on the cover of Dairy Farmer Quarterly, an industry trade publication.
The beleaguered creature’s publicist and caretaker Mark Stevens addressed the media today. “Jessica steadfastly denies all accusations of surgical enhancement that have been leveled by certain elements in the Salem dairy community”, Stevens emphasized.
“That picture is 100% Jessica”, he continued. “I’ve known her since she was born, and even as a calf, she was very feminine. She takes after her mother, Sara”.
When asked about the leaked appointment book of noted veterinarian and self-proclaimed “Cosmetic Surgeon to the Animal Stars” Dr. Jeff Blakely, showing a record of a “surgical follow-up” with Martin, Stevens hesitated before offering the following explanation.
“With respect to Ms. Martin’s medical privacy, I had hoped to avoid this topic, but it is clear that we must address this issue once and for all. Ms. Martin has seen Dr. Blakely as a surgical patient. Her treatment addressed complications related to the birth of her calf Marcus in 2012. Marcus was a very large calf, and, to put it delicately, it was traumatic for Jessica. Dr. Blakely addressed an injury that occurred during the birth. The results of procedure are not visible in the DFQ cover, and had no effect on the decision to feature her.”
“Are you happy you vultures?”, he added sardonically.
Skeptics in the farming community remain unconvinced by the explanation. Salem dairy farmer Jerry Plotnik, 57, remarked, “I’ve been a teat-tugger for over thirty years, and you just don’t see ones like that in the wild. Maybe in Hollywood, or in the world of animal pornography, which I’ve never experienced, but you hear things, you know. That story don’t pass the smell test.”
“I think Marcia (Bennett) should have gotten the (Dairy Farmer Quarterly) cover, but then again, I’m a Holstein man”, Plotnik admitted.
Martin, who has steadfastly refused to address the topic, reportedly spent the day in seclusion. Sources claim that she participated in a full schedule of activities, including eating, chewing her cud, and three milking sessions in Sunnyvale’s state-of-the-art Lely Astronaut A4 robotic milking apparatus.
An insider in the Martin camp, speaker under condition of anonymity, suggested that Martin’s travails in the spotlight were prompting her to reconsider her decision to cultivate a public bovina. The animal’s future plans reportedly include eating, chewing her cud, artificial insemination, and non-stop lactation.