Local Man Has Irritation Management Issues

Salem man Floyd Petry has serious problems controlling his level of annoyance with various external phenomena, a multidisciplinary community watchdog group warned area residents today at a press conference.

“He is a powder keg, on the verge of exploding into an extended rant about barking dogs, high fuel prices, or a plethora of other topics at a moment’s notice”, explained Dr. Mary Parker of the Salem Moodiness Task Force (SMTF).

“While these triggers are mildly to somewhat annoying to most people, individuals like Mr. Petry are particularly susceptible to bouts of profound exasperation when confronted with such stimuli.

“We advise residents not to make any excessively animated gestures or loud exclamations when encountering Mr. Petry, nor should they engage him in conversations about CEO compensation, reality television, or crabgrass”, Parker added.

Petry, 42, is described by neighbors as a quiet man who mostly keeps to himself. “I don’t really know him very well, but I do know he doesn’t like it when people set off fireworks after midnight”, reported Shelley McNamara, referring to a recent dispute she witnessed between Petry and several holiday revelers. “Sometimes, when it’s nice outside and his windows are open, I hear him yelling about what sounds like his Internet connection speed”, McNamara continued.

Petry is reportedly rated at 7.6 on the Hartsburg-McKinley Irritation Scale (HMIS), which estimates a person’s baseline irritation level. This scale, which is base-10 logarithmic, means that Petry is approximately ten times more aggravated than Sen. John McCain (6.6), and a whopping 79,433 times crankier than actor Tom Hanks (2.7).

The HMIS further postulates that the amount of dyspeptic energy released in a Petry diatribe is 31.6 times that of cantankerous politician McCain, and an unimaginable 22,387,211 times that of the easy-going, two-time Oscar winner Hanks.

When asked to comment on the SMTF’s findings, a visibly upset Petry complained, “Oh for crying out loud, that’s our tax dollars at work?”, before stalking off indignantly.


4 thoughts on “Local Man Has Irritation Management Issues

    • Indeed. Our reporting also indicates that full-spectrum professional lawn mowing services, including mowing, trimming, mechanical edging, and powered cleanup tools leave the man particularly agitated.

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