A-Rod Victim Of Anti-Christian Conspiracy

Embattled New York Yankee’s slugger Alex Rodriguez has been victimized by an elaborate smear campaign targeting his deeply-held religious convictions, according to a source within the Rodriguez camp who spoke under condition of anonymity.a-rod-got-money

The “A-Rod” confidant reports that the superstar’s latest association with PEDs (Performance Enhancing Drugs) was leaked to the press in January 2013 by the owner of the implicated Biogenesis clinic, Anthony Bosch, who the source alleges is a senior leader of Al-Qaeda.

Following an unsuccessful attempt to radicalize Rodriguez, an angry Bosch reportedly sought to destroy the career and reputation of the humble, devoutly Christian third baseman, in an effort to hasten the establishment an Islamic caliphate in North America.

The source revealed that Rodriguez began investigating the Biogenesis clinic in 2009, when it was reported to him that the organization’s anti-aging therapy (a front for their clandestine domestic terror activities) relied on chemical compounds synthesized from blood, saliva, and other fluids extracted from children.

“When he heard they were using kids that way, Alex posed as a client of the clinic in order to infiltrate its operation so that he could bring it down from within”, the insider reported.

Over the course of the three-plus year investigation, Rodriguez established a trusted, personal relationship with Bosch, who attempted to convert Rodriguez to Islam in December 2012. When his theological advances were rebuffed, Bosch revealed that he had been surreptitiously treating Rodriguez with compounds that were on Major League Baseball’s list of banned substances, but which were undetectable under the current drug testing regime.

Bosch then demanded $500,000,000 to remain silent and to fund his ongoing terrorism activities, but Rodriguez, despite his status as the highest-paid athlete in U.S. sports history, could not raise that amount of money. Faced with the prospect of disappointing the millions of children who idolize him, Rodriguez reluctantly agreed to pay a smaller amount of money to Bosch, disguised as “consultation services” rendered by the clinic.

In early January 2013, news of an anonymous cash donation made by Rodriguez to his then-unofficial charitable foundation, intended to help rebuild a fire-ravaged Jesuit orphanage in his father’s hometown in the Dominican Republic, was leaked to the media. Bosch, outraged that the money was being used to assist rather than harm Christians, immediately revealed to the media and Major League Baseball officials his own, highly redacted account of his dealings with Rodriguez.

Rodriguez, who has reportedly been a long-time, if anonymous, advocate for children’s rights, formally incorporated the J-Rod Foundation in July 2013 in the Cayman Islands. The organization, whose mission is to raise awareness of Christianity and Alex Rodriguez among underprivileged children, has spent thousands of dollars since its establishment on bi-cephalic (Rodriguez and Christ) “bobble head” figurines, workshops on turning the other cheek in the face of withering public criticism, and legal defense team building exercises.

When asked to comment on the allegations, and the coincidence of their timing in the wake of revelations of Milwaukee Brewers star Ryan Braun’s charges of anti-Semitism during his 2011 failed drug test appeal, Rodriguez replied to the assembled press, “Guys, this is totally different. Braun is a lying, filthy Jew, I’m a strict adherent to the teachings of Jerry Christ”.


Unlike the Onion, we will tolerate your feedback...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s