Food Network Announces Consumption-Based Programming For Viewers Too Lazy To Watch Cooking Shows

Food Network executives announced today plans to develop a new genre of meal-based entertainment programming, eschewing the often tedious details of food preparation and highlighting the actual ingestion of already prepared dishes.

According to Bob Tuschman, senior vice-president in charge of programming at Food Network, extensive market research and focus group testing showed that a sizable segment of the coveted 18-49 year-old male demographic was “somewhat” to “highly” indifferent to watching celebrity chefs prepare gourmet dishes.

“We observed that a significant percentage of viewers who didn’t self-identify as ‘foodies’ were often bored and inattentive after as little as 30 seconds when presented with a variety of cooking-themed programming options, even content that featured combative, artificially-induced conflict”, Tuschman explained. “To coin a phrase, our study participants essentially reported that they liked sausage, but weren’t interested in watching it being made, or learning about new and innovative ways to prepare it.”

Conversely, members of this same group were reportedly very engaged by depictions of sumptuous meals piled high on dinner plates, and even more attentive when the food was either hungrily munched on by an attractive woman or gobbled down by a morbidly obese man.

“Our research showed that most of our “lost viewers” would stay focused for about five minutes of continuous, ravenous consumption, but if the actor eating the meal was not finished within that interval, the viewer’s attention would begin to wander”, Tuschman continued.

“As a result, most of our new programming in this space, which we are tentatively calling ‘cornography’, will consist of five minute blocks of relentless dining at a breakneck pace. Not like competitive eating, let me state for the record, but just a person or persons ‘going to town’ on some hearty, succulent fare. We will have some slower, long-form content as well, consisting of fine dining in elegant restaurant settings, which seemed to test better with women of all ages.

“Some of the programs under development include Gorge Girls, in which a group of attractive young women greedily feast on a variety of vaguely phallic foods like subs, corn-on-the-cob, and breadsticks. We are also working on Cram-Cam, which depicts a first-person POV devouring experience through the use of a camera mounted on the head of an unseen actor!”, Tuschman proclaimed, barely able to conceal his enthusiasm.

Tuschman also announced a line of premium companion products designed to enhance the viewing experience, including the Food-Jector 5000 personal feeding tube system. The revolutionary product, when deployed down the viewer’s throat, delivers a controlled stream of liquefied nutrients, allowing the consumer to keep their hands free to operate remote controls or smart phones while keeping their eyes glued to the captivating imagery of this nascent art form.


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