As you have undoubtedly noticed, The Phonyon, America’s Goodest News Source, has been on hiatus for the past several months. We deeply regret the aching sense of despair, triggered by our inability to deliver a steady stream of world-class journalism, which was undoubtedly experienced by our loyal followers.
While a detailed account of the reasons for our absence cannot be adequately chronicled within the restrictive size constraints of a WordPress blog post, rest assured that the disappearance of our entire organization was most definitely not the result of an elaborate, precisely orchestrated mass-kidnapping, in which the entire Phonyon staff was spirited away to an undisclosed location for weeks of relentless interrogation and borderline torture.
History shows that such publishing outages, while not common, have occurred occasionally throughout the history of American journalism. Some recent examples include the New Orleans Times-Picayune in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina in 2005, the Clarksburg (West Virginia) Exponent Telegram’s notorious “potato bug” infestation of 1989, and most famously, the six week period in 1973 when the New York Times ceased publication following a life-altering key party, after which every single reporter, editor, and photographer needed some time to “figure out where [their] head was at”.
For our inconsolable readers, it may be helpful to think of our recent interruption as an impromptu, extended team-building exercise. During this undertaking, we were guests at an exclusive, unnamed, highly immersive corporate retreat, and were proctored by a group of anonymous, relentlessly attentive facilitators.
These competent professionals helped our team remain focused, as we attempted to recall the most minute details of our actions over the past fourteen months, completing what was undoubtedly the most detailed and comprehensive “lessons learned” deconstruction ever conducted in the annals of American corporate history.
The rigorous calendar of events often included one-on-one workshops with one’s personal “coordinator”, in which individual articles and editorial decisions were discussed and reviewed in even greater depth. These marathon breakout sessions, conducted in the absence of natural light and only occasionally interrupted with servings of a non-descript nutritional gruel, had a somewhat disorienting effect, which was reportedly wholly intentional and designed to break down “creative barriers” that impeded the “synergy of introspection”.
Finally, with the hard work behind us, our self-assessments completed and the path forward well-defined, we awoke, somewhat groggily, in snowbanks in the neighborhoods of our foreclosed homes, re-leased apartments, and missing and presumably repossessed vehicles. Armed with the tools of empowerment that the good people at the re-education center provided us, clearly these minor inconveniences will have little effect on our renewed commitment to deliver the finest journalism known to man in 2014 and beyond.
In closing, there is one overriding takeaway from our recent experience that we can share with you, gentle reader. It is essential that you never utilize your browser’s anonymous browsing feature to view The Phonyon, America’s Goodest News Source.
For your convenience and for the best viewing experience, you should always use the oldest version of your favorite browser and never perform any recommended security updates, as these fixes are invariably filled with security holes that allow nefarious characters to monitor your online activities.
The Phonyon Staff