Pundit Claims U.S. Three Billionaire Disembowelings Away From Positive Political Change

Noted political commentator Tom Halperin has suggested that significant, sweeping reform of the U.S political system could be achieved if as few as three prominent plutocrats were publicly eviscerated by hordes of desperate, disenfranchised peasants.

Halperin’s remarks were made during this week’s taping of the public affairs program Salem This Week. The show, which ordinarily airs on Sundays, has been placed on indefinite hiatus following the colossal explosion that leveled One Broadcast Plaza in downtown Salem yesterday.

The provocative prediction, along with additional discussion between Halperin and the now-deceased host of Salem This Week Chet Lewis, was extracted from a transcript of the destroyed original recording:

Halperin: One billionaire, disemboweled in vacuo by a large, unruly mob, would likely be seen as an aberration. A second billionaire, ripped limb-from-limb shortly thereafter under similar circumstances, would certainly become a source of concern for the peers of the victim. A third billionaire, viciously butchered alive by a seemingly endless throng of enraged, bloodthirsty citizens would almost certainly cause a radical rethinking of the current policy of relentless power and wealth consolidation that these people are obsessively pursuing.

Lewis: Do you really think this is practical? These people rarely leave their walled compounds, and they’re protected by well-armed, well-paid personal militias.

Halperin: Only an Omaha Beach-style full-on assault would work. There would be massive casualties (among the masses), but at this point, I think there are plenty of people with nothing left to lose who would be prepared to lead the charge.

Lewis: Who do you think they should go after?

Halperin: Whoa, Chet, for the record, I’m not advocating that anyone do anything of this sort. Dick DeVos, Steve Cohen, and the nearest Koch brother.

Lewis: Not Sheldon Adelson? That’s a surprise.

Halperin: Well, if he was ten years younger…(both laugh)

Halperin, who is currently comatose at Salem Memorial Hospital following an apparent exposure to a lethal level of Polonium-210, declined to comment on this report.


Unlike the Onion, we will tolerate your feedback...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s