“Carpets” Ripped Out, Exposing “Bare Floors” Reports Local Man

Following a recent encounter with blonde Salem University sophomore Jessica Hansson, fellow student Josh Randle was unable to shed light on the burning question of whether or not “the carpet matched the drapes”.

“It was as smooth as a babies’ bottom down there”, Randle disclosed to an assemblage of disappointed parties at the Sigma Chi house located on Fraternity Row.

Debate has raged among pundits since the Fall of 2012 regarding the young woman’s status as a “natural” blonde.

Proponents of the cause have noted that Hansson reportedly has Northern European ancestry on both sides of her family, making the scenario genetically “plausible”.

Skeptics, however, have noted the variations in hair color and tone that Hansson has exhibited since enrolling at the hallowed institution as evidence of “artifical enhancement”. The most incriminating incident was last spring’s foray into psychedelia, which featured a ghastly medley of purple, green and orange highlights.

“We’ll just have to stay on top of it until we can settle this issue once and for all”, Sigma Chi president Justin Siegler advised his dismayed brethren.

Hansson threw the inquiry into turmoil later that evening when her drunken contortions in a short skirt revealed glimpses of a shocking pink merkin to investigators.

 

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