ChimpMonkey Becomes First Company To Incorporate Two Primate Types In Name

High-tech startup ChimpMonkey made history yesterday when it became the first corporation to successfully combine two varieties of primate into its business name.

The company, which will provide a scalable, cloud-based synergy cluster infrastructure, made the announcement following the filing of its Articles of incorporation with the State of Delaware’s Division of Incorporation. Continue reading

Advertisements

Meth Dealer With Low Self-Esteem Refers To Self As “Uhlenbeck”

Salem methamphetamine manufacturer Clyde Barlow, a man long plagued by feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing, operates in the criminal underworld under the alias “Uhlenbeck”.

The pseudonym is an homage to George Uhlenbeck (1900-1988), an academic and theoretical physicist who was jointly responsible for the discovery of electron spin, a fundamental concept in the field of quantum mechanics. Continue reading

Phonyon Hiatus Not Caused By NSA-Sanctioned Extra-Judicial Rendition

Dear Reader,

As you have undoubtedly noticed, The Phonyon, America’s Goodest News Source, has been on hiatus for the past several months. We deeply regret the aching sense of despair, triggered by our inability to deliver a steady stream of world-class journalism, which was undoubtedly experienced by our loyal followers.

While a detailed account of the reasons for our absence cannot be adequately chronicled within the restrictive size constraints of a WordPress blog post, rest assured that the disappearance of our entire organization was most definitely not the result of an elaborate, precisely orchestrated mass-kidnapping, in which the entire Phonyon staff was spirited away to an undisclosed location for weeks of relentless interrogation and borderline torture. Continue reading

Food Network Announces Consumption-Based Programming For Viewers Too Lazy To Watch Cooking Shows

Food Network executives announced today plans to develop a new genre of meal-based entertainment programming, eschewing the often tedious details of food preparation and highlighting the actual ingestion of already prepared dishes.

According to Bob Tuschman, senior vice-president in charge of programming at Food Network, extensive market research and focus group testing showed that a sizable segment of the coveted 18-49 year-old male demographic was “somewhat” to “highly” indifferent to watching celebrity chefs prepare gourmet dishes. Continue reading