“Carpets” Ripped Out, Exposing “Bare Floors” Reports Local Man

Following a recent encounter with blonde Salem University sophomore Jessica Hansson, fellow student Josh Randle was unable to shed light on the burning question of whether or not “the carpet matched the drapes”.

“It was as smooth as a babies’ bottom down there”, Randle disclosed to an assemblage of disappointed parties at the Sigma Chi house located on Fraternity Row. Continue reading

Woman Worried Neighbor May Be Pushing Grass

Albuquerque woman Rebecca Simmons expressed concern today that her neighbor may have become a major “pusher” (illegal distributor) of the narcotic marihuana, also known by its street name “grass”.

The spry septuagenarian, who is known to her friends as “Becky” and resides in the 300 block of Negra Arroyo Lane, has become increasingly troubled by the circumstances of her neighbors of over fifteen years, Walter and Skyler White.

The Suspected Grass House

The Suspected Grass House

“I’ve known them (the Whites) for years, such a nice young couple. They’ve got a new baby, and this poor crippled boy, who’s just the nicest young man you’ll ever meet”, Simmons explained. “But about a year ago, the husband, Walter, was diagnosed with cancer. Continue reading

Food Network Announces Consumption-Based Programming For Viewers Too Lazy To Watch Cooking Shows

Food Network executives announced today plans to develop a new genre of meal-based entertainment programming, eschewing the often tedious details of food preparation and highlighting the actual ingestion of already prepared dishes.

According to Bob Tuschman, senior vice-president in charge of programming at Food Network, extensive market research and focus group testing showed that a sizable segment of the coveted 18-49 year-old male demographic was “somewhat” to “highly” indifferent to watching celebrity chefs prepare gourmet dishes. Continue reading

Breaking News: Royal Baby To Be Named ‘Barkevious Waldo Wales’

In a move that has sent shock waves throughout the royal families of Europe and among commoners alike, Prince William and Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge defied expectations and convention by giving their newborn son, third in line to the British throne, the highly unexpected name Barkevious Waldo Wales.

Royal watchers credit the unusual first name to the Prince, who is reportedly a fan of American college football, in particular the Louisiana State University Tigers. It is believed that the name is a tribute to Barkevious Mingo, a former LSU standout who will begin his professional career this year with the NFL’s Cleveland Browns. Continue reading