Pundit Claims U.S. Three Billionaire Disembowelings Away From Positive Political Change

Noted political commentator Tom Halperin has suggested that significant, sweeping reform of the U.S political system could be achieved if as few as three prominent plutocrats were publicly eviscerated by hordes of desperate, disenfranchised peasants.

Halperin’s remarks were made during this week’s taping of the public affairs program Salem This Week. The show, which ordinarily airs on Sundays, has been placed on indefinite hiatus following the colossal explosion that leveled One Broadcast Plaza in downtown Salem yesterday. Continue reading

“Madman” Best Show On Television According To Pathetic Poseur

Citing its non-stop action, profane humor and dazzling special effects, tragically misinformed Salem man Ron Schiffler professed his appreciation today for the television program Madman, according to several witnesses.

Schiffler reportedly proclaimed his fondness for the non-existent series while waiting in line at the Tremorz Coffee located on Lincoln Avenue in North Salem, after overhearing fellow patrons enthusiastically discussing last night’s episode. Continue reading

Phonyon Hiatus Not Caused By NSA-Sanctioned Extra-Judicial Rendition

Dear Reader,

As you have undoubtedly noticed, The Phonyon, America’s Goodest News Source, has been on hiatus for the past several months. We deeply regret the aching sense of despair, triggered by our inability to deliver a steady stream of world-class journalism, which was undoubtedly experienced by our loyal followers.

While a detailed account of the reasons for our absence cannot be adequately chronicled within the restrictive size constraints of a WordPress blog post, rest assured that the disappearance of our entire organization was most definitely not the result of an elaborate, precisely orchestrated mass-kidnapping, in which the entire Phonyon staff was spirited away to an undisclosed location for weeks of relentless interrogation and borderline torture. Continue reading

Woman Worried Neighbor May Be Pushing Grass

Albuquerque woman Rebecca Simmons expressed concern today that her neighbor may have become a major “pusher” (illegal distributor) of the narcotic marihuana, also known by its street name “grass”.

The spry septuagenarian, who is known to her friends as “Becky” and resides in the 300 block of Negra Arroyo Lane, has become increasingly troubled by the circumstances of her neighbors of over fifteen years, Walter and Skyler White.

The Suspected Grass House

The Suspected Grass House

“I’ve known them (the Whites) for years, such a nice young couple. They’ve got a new baby, and this poor crippled boy, who’s just the nicest young man you’ll ever meet”, Simmons explained. “But about a year ago, the husband, Walter, was diagnosed with cancer. Continue reading