Public Evenly Divided On Washington Football Team Name

Public opinion regarding the controversial name of the Washington NFL team is evenly split between those who object to the moniker and those who do not object, according to a poll jointly conducted by Salem University and the Phonyon, America’s Goodest News Source. Continue reading

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Software Utility Sends Its Creator Spiraling Into Existential Crisis

The elapsed time indicator on a simple software tool has caused software engineer Bruce McLeod to develop a morbid fixation on the inexorable march of time, obsessively pondering his inevitable demise and the eternal nothingness that will follow.

McLeod, 42, created Activity Reminder to alert him when there was prolonged inactivity in his Remote Desktop session. The application detects mouse or keyboard activity, either of which will reset a timer. After five minutes of inactivity, and each minute thereafter, the application will generate increasingly strident alert sounds, prompting the user to provide input to ensure that the desktop does not lock. Continue reading

ChimpMonkey Becomes First Company To Incorporate Two Primate Types In Name

High-tech startup ChimpMonkey made history yesterday when it became the first corporation to successfully combine two varieties of primate into its business name.

The company, which will provide a scalable, cloud-based synergy cluster infrastructure, made the announcement following the filing of its Articles of incorporation with the State of Delaware’s Division of Incorporation. Continue reading

Phonyon Hiatus Not Caused By NSA-Sanctioned Extra-Judicial Rendition

Dear Reader,

As you have undoubtedly noticed, The Phonyon, America’s Goodest News Source, has been on hiatus for the past several months. We deeply regret the aching sense of despair, triggered by our inability to deliver a steady stream of world-class journalism, which was undoubtedly experienced by our loyal followers.

While a detailed account of the reasons for our absence cannot be adequately chronicled within the restrictive size constraints of a WordPress blog post, rest assured that the disappearance of our entire organization was most definitely not the result of an elaborate, precisely orchestrated mass-kidnapping, in which the entire Phonyon staff was spirited away to an undisclosed location for weeks of relentless interrogation and borderline torture. Continue reading

George W. Bush Finally Achieves Modest Professional Success As Major League Manager

In a career plagued by years of uneven results and dubious accomplishments, former Milwaukee Brewers manager and 43rd President of the United States George W. Bush has led the resurgent Kansas City Royals to their best season in years.

Bush, 67, who manages under the pseudonym “Ned Yost”, employed his trademark “manage-from-the-gut” leadership style to motivate the underdog team, which includes a mixture of blossoming young talents such as Eric Hosmer and Salvador Perez, veterans Alex Gordon and Billy Butler, and the stabilizing presence of a key off-season acquisition, pitcher James “Big Game James” Shields.

They hate us for our bullpen

They hate us for our bullpen

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