Public Evenly Divided On Washington Football Team Name

Public opinion regarding the controversial name of the Washington NFL team is evenly split between those who object to the moniker and those who do not object, according to a poll jointly conducted by Salem University and the Phonyon, America’s Goodest News Source. Continue reading

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Pundit Claims U.S. Three Billionaire Disembowelings Away From Positive Political Change

Noted political commentator Tom Halperin has suggested that significant, sweeping reform of the U.S political system could be achieved if as few as three prominent plutocrats were publicly eviscerated by hordes of desperate, disenfranchised peasants.

Halperin’s remarks were made during this week’s taping of the public affairs program Salem This Week. The show, which ordinarily airs on Sundays, has been placed on indefinite hiatus following the colossal explosion that leveled One Broadcast Plaza in downtown Salem yesterday. Continue reading

Chad To Withdraw Troops From Central African Republic, Josh’s Troops Will Remain

Reuters reported today that Chad would withdraw its troops from an African Union peacekeeping mission in Central African Republic, but The Phonyon, America’s Goodest News Source has learned that the troops of Josh will remain deployed “for the foreseeable future”.

Chadian soldiers, with the support of the Joshuan military, have been at the forefront of efforts to stabilize CAR following its descent into religious conflict last year, in the aftermath of the overthrow of the majority Christian government by Seleka rebels. Continue reading

Phonyon Hiatus Not Caused By NSA-Sanctioned Extra-Judicial Rendition

Dear Reader,

As you have undoubtedly noticed, The Phonyon, America’s Goodest News Source, has been on hiatus for the past several months. We deeply regret the aching sense of despair, triggered by our inability to deliver a steady stream of world-class journalism, which was undoubtedly experienced by our loyal followers.

While a detailed account of the reasons for our absence cannot be adequately chronicled within the restrictive size constraints of a WordPress blog post, rest assured that the disappearance of our entire organization was most definitely not the result of an elaborate, precisely orchestrated mass-kidnapping, in which the entire Phonyon staff was spirited away to an undisclosed location for weeks of relentless interrogation and borderline torture. Continue reading

George W. Bush Finally Achieves Modest Professional Success As Major League Manager

In a career plagued by years of uneven results and dubious accomplishments, former Milwaukee Brewers manager and 43rd President of the United States George W. Bush has led the resurgent Kansas City Royals to their best season in years.

Bush, 67, who manages under the pseudonym “Ned Yost”, employed his trademark “manage-from-the-gut” leadership style to motivate the underdog team, which includes a mixture of blossoming young talents such as Eric Hosmer and Salvador Perez, veterans Alex Gordon and Billy Butler, and the stabilizing presence of a key off-season acquisition, pitcher James “Big Game James” Shields.

They hate us for our bullpen

They hate us for our bullpen

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Morrissey Ousted From Egyptian Presidency

Egyptian president and alternative rock icon Morrissey was removed from power today by a military coup, according to numerous sources reporting from Cairo.

Morrissey, the first democratically elected president of Egypt following the toppling of Hosni Mubarak, was relieved of his duties after the expiration of a military-imposed 48-hour deadline to reach a power-sharing agreement with his detractors or to resign the presidency. It is unclear whether Morrissey was forcibly removed from power or left voluntarily. At present, his whereabouts and physical condition are unknown. Continue reading