Public Evenly Divided On Washington Football Team Name

Public opinion regarding the controversial name of the Washington NFL team is evenly split between those who object to the moniker and those who do not object, according to a poll jointly conducted by Salem University and the Phonyon, America’s Goodest News Source. Continue reading

Software Utility Sends Its Creator Spiraling Into Existential Crisis

The elapsed time indicator on a simple software tool has caused software engineer Bruce McLeod to develop a morbid fixation on the inexorable march of time, obsessively pondering his inevitable demise and the eternal nothingness that will follow.

McLeod, 42, created Activity Reminder to alert him when there was prolonged inactivity in his Remote Desktop session. The application detects mouse or keyboard activity, either of which will reset a timer. After five minutes of inactivity, and each minute thereafter, the application will generate increasingly strident alert sounds, prompting the user to provide input to ensure that the desktop does not lock. Continue reading

“Carpets” Ripped Out, Exposing “Bare Floors” Reports Local Man

Following a recent encounter with blonde Salem University sophomore Jessica Hansson, fellow student Josh Randle was unable to shed light on the burning question of whether or not “the carpet matched the drapes”.

“It was as smooth as a babies’ bottom down there”, Randle disclosed to an assemblage of disappointed parties at the Sigma Chi house located on Fraternity Row. Continue reading

ChimpMonkey Becomes First Company To Incorporate Two Primate Types In Name

High-tech startup ChimpMonkey made history yesterday when it became the first corporation to successfully combine two varieties of primate into its business name.

The company, which will provide a scalable, cloud-based synergy cluster infrastructure, made the announcement following the filing of its Articles of incorporation with the State of Delaware’s Division of Incorporation. Continue reading

Pundit Claims U.S. Three Billionaire Disembowelings Away From Positive Political Change

Noted political commentator Tom Halperin has suggested that significant, sweeping reform of the U.S political system could be achieved if as few as three prominent plutocrats were publicly eviscerated by hordes of desperate, disenfranchised peasants.

Halperin’s remarks were made during this week’s taping of the public affairs program Salem This Week. The show, which ordinarily airs on Sundays, has been placed on indefinite hiatus following the colossal explosion that leveled One Broadcast Plaza in downtown Salem yesterday. Continue reading

Meth Dealer With Low Self-Esteem Refers To Self As “Uhlenbeck”

Salem methamphetamine manufacturer Clyde Barlow, a man long plagued by feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing, operates in the criminal underworld under the alias “Uhlenbeck”.

The pseudonym is an homage to George Uhlenbeck (1900-1988), an academic and theoretical physicist who was jointly responsible for the discovery of electron spin, a fundamental concept in the field of quantum mechanics. Continue reading